“Death ends a life. But it does not end a relationship; which struggles on the survivor’s mind, toward some resolution, which it may never find.” ~from “I Never Sang For My Father” by Robert Anderson
I remember this quote from many a boy doing this monologue back when I was in high school. It was a very popular monologue. It has wandered around my brain for thirty some odd years and the words have dropped off the end like leaves in the Fall until I can hardly remember what the tree looked like before. Lately it has tried to surface…kanoodling at my thoughts asking to be let in.
I am sure that it is because my mother is dying. I have to wonder what that means exactly, considering we are all dying every minute of the day. At first we are growing, but at some point that growing turns to the slow fade out that we like to call dying. Almost a month ago now, my mother wouldn’t wake up one morning. She was sleeping very peacefully…snoring even…but waking up was not something she was interested in doing in the least. She went to the hospital by ambulance and we were told that she was very sick with pneumonia, in all likely hood would not recover, and that her pneumonia was caused by a tumor growing on one lung right in between the other. The cancer had spread to her bones. This is what she woke up to be told 36 hours later. She has been given six months to live, and has chosen to forgo chemo or any of that other junk as “they” feel that it wouldn’t prolong her life anymore than a couple of months. She is 75 and is now at home and her two daughters that happen to live in the same town/house as her are now taking care of her. I would be one of those daughter’s. This 24 hour care that is now needed for her has turned life upside down for the moment. I don’t mind caring for her at all. But I can for see that this will be hard. This will be a journey. This will be…. Well, it just will be.
I have to find a place to talk. For whatever reason, at the moment I don’t feel that I have that place…or person. Even with the people around me that I feel I should be able to talk with. I feel isolated. Cancer is not something that has ever hit my family before. We have been lucky. I am realizing how it is all around us. So many people that have been affected. But, it always means something else when it happens to you.
I know that my life is changing in ways I can see, and in ways I can’t see. There is so much more that is changing than what I can even begin to describe. Let this be a moment to say that I was here.